Raquel English

Category Archives: difficulties we face

Swimming In The Currents

Good morning Mermaid Junkies,

How are you? I’m so excited! I’m actually married again, but this time to my soul mate.

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The big day was Friday of last week. It’s quite a special day already, as it’s my parents anniversary too. We thought the date would be a gentle, yet beautiful reminder of how special our soul mate union has been.

I plan on telling you the whole story, I promise. It’s the most beautifully romantic story ever. It will most definitely have to be a series, though.

Okay, so back to why I’m writing this blog post and video. I had an eventful situation happen over the weekend, and it caused me to go back into the resentment momentum.

After thinking about it long and hard, with a crap load of meditation and some refocusing, I was able to decipher why I was upset. My conclusion is that I must still be filtering through a bit more of the divorce residue from built up anger and resentment towards Mitch. I thought it was pretty much gone, however the contrast is telling me otherwise. I do have to say also, that It’s pretty normal for most to just call it what it is, and blame the other person for everything. I know for myself, though, my journey is a personal transformational tale about how we move through hate, anger, and resentment to find our own inner peace. My job is to focus back into alignment and to work through all the contrast to continually rediscover my true self and to have self-love.

I must say, I do love having the contrast because it allows me to see where my root emotions are. Many of us do this instead of changing a root emotion we feel, we immediately jump into action. I use to do this through going ballistic (anger and breaking stuff while screaming my head off) had always been my mode of dealing with my pain. Sometimes going to the store and dropping a few hundred dollars on shit that I didn’t need was a good method I used to use too. It’s so much easier to change the root emotion instead of the other way around. Everybody has a different method of action. Some like to drink, get drunk, take pills, do drugs, sleep around, overwork, You name it, we’ve all done one or the other; or hell, a little of each one.

I’m going to share a Zen story about living in the present moment. How often we carry around past hurts, holding onto resentments when the only person we are really hurting is ourselves.

We all go through times in life when other say things or behave in a way that is hurtful towards us. We can choose to ruminate over past actions or events, but it will ultimately weigh us down and zap our energy. Instead, we can choose to let go of what no longer serves us anymore and concentrate on the present moment. Until we each individually find that level of peace and happiness in our present circumstances of our lives, we will never be content, because ‘NOW’ is all we ever really have.

Okay, so here’s the story; courtesy of my dearest friend Cindi. She said that I could share it.

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her to cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side , and carried on his journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour had passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could not contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied, ” Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

I loved this analogy. I mean honestly how many times do we do this, and not even realize that were doing it.

I hope your day is a lovely one, and know that i love and adore you each. Thanks for swimming by.

Yours til my next swim, Rock

I love Her Guts!

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A while back I did a review on Kristen Johnston’s book Guts: The Endless Follies and Tiny Triumphs of a Giant Disaster. I think it bears repeating, especially since it’s now out in paperback, as well as, audio. I posted the links below.

So here it is:

It is time for me to get my tail wet in the waters of review.

She is Kristen Johnston, & I love her GUTS! I have coined her as my little sentimental cloud of hilarious.

There is a “thin line between comedy & tragedy?”

Kristen laces her story with themes of feeling like an awkward adolescence, loneliness, struggling with addictions, tragedy, & her rebirth of life.

Kristen wrote the book to help other addicts, as well as, people that are involved with addicts.

Addiction wears a cloak of secrecy & embarrassment. She breaks the barrier by revealing her own personal struggles in a raw, witty & unfiltered way.

When I read books, I want to feel like I could be a best friend with the author. When I was reading Kristen’s book I felt like she was sharing jokes with me. She manages to be wildly irreverent, witty & somehow she will captivate you by her pure & dark delight.

I have yet to encounter Kristen, but I feel confident that she would be one of the nicest, most genuine, nurturing & down-to-earth person I would ever meet.

This book will be a gift to all who read it. It touched my heart deeply.

I am giving this book a four star review (that fifth star is superfluous, don’t ya think…like having a sixth toe or third testicle).

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Now what are you waiting for? Go here & buy the dang book already! If your super lazy you can get it Here in audio.

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Will You Sift Through These Bird Guts For Me?

 

Try threading a kneedle when you’re half -blind. This is the proportionate level of frustration that I’m having with my son, S.

I should say this upfront: I’m going to be as sarcastic as a female Dennis Miller, so this will have a colon-load of dysphemisms.

I’m just forewarning you. Sarcasm is my cushion for the blows that no doubt come from parenting especially, with teenagers. Parenting is about as easy as freaking Skee-Ball.

Some kids come with a touched by an angel kind of spirit and, some come as if they’re deranged rabies virus infected raccoons. Was that too harsh? Shut up.

It’s sometimes difficult when I try to talk to my stubborn-brained 17-year-old son. Since the 9th grade he’s wanted his ears pierced. eeekkk…I’ve told him NO incessantely & even withdrawn priviledges because, he went ahead & self-mutilated his earlobes. I’ve given him endless dumpster-loads of reasons why I will not allow him to wear them. I’ve considered  shattering my skull but, I like myself too much. Quoting bible verses like Elijah doesn’t work either. Tried that. He looks @ me like I’m in a hypnotic swirl that’s growing a tail.

I go through the crazy tangle of frustration & anger with him. Sometimes, I’d like to beat him about the head & neck until he sees the twinkling stars that appear on a classic cartoon. He’s as incessant as a 3-year-old @ the Publix checkout lane that spots a lollipop on a spinning stick.

I know I’m the crack the bull-whip stinging against your tender pink bum kind of parent so, I am now going to allow you to infuse me with your pearls of wisdom. I think ya’ll may have the DNA parenting advice that hides on the bedsheets of every experience. Gimme gimme some. I’ll then take them into my mouth, swirl them around, then choose whether to spit or swallow.

Getting advice from other parents is how we become better parents. Cue the calliope music.

So let’s get to the heart of the animal. I’m in elbow-deep. I keep clubbing my knee-cap so, I think I may be getting in the way.

Much love, Rac

 

 

 

Feeling Almost Unrepairable

 

Have you ever seen a flower garden in full bloom? There are no two flowers alike. Would you be more likely to pluck a flower & enjoy the fragrance & beauty, or would you ignore the beauty & criticize the petals?

I must be honest & say that I have been guilty of doing this with people in my life. It’s real easy for me to find so much fault in others & how they are not living up to the expectations I have placed on them. I have a tendency to take things personal, & not see the beauty in them, rather see all the mistakes they make.

Little did I recognize that I let my Father in Heaven down on a continual basis, & dismiss the fact that I haven’t gotten control over my own imperfections. Heavenly Father hasn’t given up on me. How readily I’m am @ the drop of a hat to  give up on someone because I don’t want to be hurt.

I know when someone hurts me, it really isn’t about me, it’s about the other person. I can say that & it sounds cliche’. It’s  something that my therapist would say. However, when you’re the one being hurt, it has an immense amount of agony on the heart. When we are threatened in some way, it’s in our DNA to protect ourselves from pain. We are instinctively made that way.

Have you ever been so hurt that you feel broken & your heart literally hurts with such a deep deep pain that in that moment you think you may not be able to endure?

I have felt this way, & I have realized that through this experience I can no longer do this alone. I need help, & the only help that will deliver me is my Father in Heaven. I know there’s no other way.

My pride & ego has been my enemy. Pride & ego are not my friends. I didn’t want to admit that I am as vulnerable, & as fragile as one of those flowers in the flower garden. I thought I was a stronger woman. I now know I am not as strong as I thought I was. Trials really do show us what we’re made of.

I have begun praying daily with specific requests that only a God in heaven can fulfill. I have now handed over this trial, it is no longer in my hands. I have relinquished this mental anguish, & now I must trust my life in Gods hands.

May we try to see those around us as a beautiful flower, just as our Father in Heaven sees ALL of his children. I will be my brothers keeper.

Much love my friends…

 

Hair Dilemmas

I’m a sucker for a great one hour show of 48 Hours Mystery. I can watch marathons of Snapped, Investigators and Nancy Grace, to name a few. Some shows I can’t handle watching. Dr. Phil (I know, shocker), I also can’t stomach a mere episode of any shows pertaining to abuse, such as hitting, beating, gang bullying, drug and alcohol additions. Why I can watch the first set of shows, and not the others, I have no idea. Perhaps, the latter hits too close to home. I get anxiety, and immedietely have to turn the channel. Animal abuse is another one. Have you ever seen that commercial that shows all the mistreated animals in shelters? Sarah McLachlan sings that sad, pitiful song asking you to donate money to help out the animal shelters. I hate that commercial! I turn the channel every time It comes on.

Each time I go to Petsmart, and the little debit machine asks you if you’d to donate money to help out shelters, I always do. When I tell you of this quirk I have about the shows I will watch, and the shows I won’t watch , it probably sounds a bit contradicting I’m sure.

Yesterday, was my daughters birthday. My relationship with my children, seems to be great. Of course, not all days are peachy keen, but for the most part my kids are good. When I was growing up, I was the kind of girl that always loovvveddd to wear dresses, big bows in my hair, (if your Southern, you get that comment) anything girly I was up for. The more southern you are, the bigger the bows. I was quite a girly girl even though I’m like Z.K. where as I was the only girl with three brothers. If I didn’t tell you that, you would probably have thought that I might have been a tom boy. Nope.

 I’d say Z.K. has always dressed very cute. Smocked dresses to church (which I loved to make), cute pants and shrugs that I’d love to sew as well. She’s recently started to come into her own, and try to figure out who she is. She doesn’t want me to dress her like I used to. Understandably so. I know kids grow up, and want to dress how they’d. I’m all for individual expression.

I’ve never given her trouble about what she wears, except I do have some things that she’s required to wear. One of those things are some sort of flower, clip, or a cute bobby pin in her hair. I do that for several reasons. She’s at school all day, and I don’t want her to have to be distracted by her hair in her face. The other reason is that I hate stringy  hair. The little girls now days do nothing to their hair, and it makes them look unkept, in my opinion.

As I said earlier, she woke up on her birthday and decided she wanted to wear her little tiara to school. Very cute. I diffused her hair for about twenty-five minutes ( she has curly hair, so it takes forever to blow dry), and then I pinned it up, She looked darling. Yesterday, of all days, she was determined to wear her hair completely different than she normally does. She pitched the biggest fit. Since being a toddler, she hasn’t acted that way.

She ended up crying for so long, wouldn’t get dressed, tried to take her hair down, and ended up missing the bus. It was her birthday, and I felt it wasn’t going well. After about fifteen minutes, I finally took her to school. I had M. talk with her, which he always seems to calm her down, and is able to speak rational with her. I, on the other hand, not so much.

When she got to school, I apologized to her, she apologized to me, we hugged and it was over. She was happy, and so was I.

The thing that resonated with me was that I started thinking about all those shows I watch. It seems that many times I hear of parents getting on television and say how much they regret not saying a particular thing to their child. Or that the last thing they said was something mean.

I realized at that moment, heaven for bid; what if that would have been the last time I would have seen Z.K.? What if by chance something had happened to her? I would be so sad, and distraught that had happened. How unimportant was it that she wanted to wear her hair a certain way. It would have nonsensical, and ridiculous . Is that really so important in the scheme of things?

I learned a great lesson. It’s very hard to relinquish my pride and apologize first, but I’m going to do it.

 Who was the child in that situation? I’ll raise my hand to that one and say, I’m guilty.

Mind you, she still wears those silly flowers everyday. What’s wrong with a 12 year old girl wearing adornments in her hair? Nothing at all. I still wear clips, pins, bandanas, headbands, hats, and I’m 40 years old.