Raquel English

Category Archives: issues in your life

Swimming In The Currents

Good morning Mermaid Junkies,

How are you? I’m so excited! I’m actually married again, but this time to my soul mate.

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The big day was Friday of last week. It’s quite a special day already, as it’s my parents anniversary too. We thought the date would be a gentle, yet beautiful reminder of how special our soul mate union has been.

I plan on telling you the whole story, I promise. It’s the most beautifully romantic story ever. It will most definitely have to be a series, though.

Okay, so back to why I’m writing this blog post and video. I had an eventful situation happen over the weekend, and it caused me to go back into the resentment momentum.

After thinking about it long and hard, with a crap load of meditation and some refocusing, I was able to decipher why I was upset. My conclusion is that I must still be filtering through a bit more of the divorce residue from built up anger and resentment towards Mitch. I thought it was pretty much gone, however the contrast is telling me otherwise. I do have to say also, that It’s pretty normal for most to just call it what it is, and blame the other person for everything. I know for myself, though, my journey is a personal transformational tale about how we move through hate, anger, and resentment to find our own inner peace. My job is to focus back into alignment and to work through all the contrast to continually rediscover my true self and to have self-love.

I must say, I do love having the contrast because it allows me to see where my root emotions are. Many of us do this instead of changing a root emotion we feel, we immediately jump into action. I use to do this through going ballistic (anger and breaking stuff while screaming my head off) had always been my mode of dealing with my pain. Sometimes going to the store and dropping a few hundred dollars on shit that I didn’t need was a good method I used to use too. It’s so much easier to change the root emotion instead of the other way around. Everybody has a different method of action. Some like to drink, get drunk, take pills, do drugs, sleep around, overwork, You name it, we’ve all done one or the other; or hell, a little of each one.

I’m going to share a Zen story about living in the present moment. How often we carry around past hurts, holding onto resentments when the only person we are really hurting is ourselves.

We all go through times in life when other say things or behave in a way that is hurtful towards us. We can choose to ruminate over past actions or events, but it will ultimately weigh us down and zap our energy. Instead, we can choose to let go of what no longer serves us anymore and concentrate on the present moment. Until we each individually find that level of peace and happiness in our present circumstances of our lives, we will never be content, because ‘NOW’ is all we ever really have.

Okay, so here’s the story; courtesy of my dearest friend Cindi. She said that I could share it.

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her to cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side , and carried on his journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour had passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could not contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied, ” Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

I loved this analogy. I mean honestly how many times do we do this, and not even realize that were doing it.

I hope your day is a lovely one, and know that i love and adore you each. Thanks for swimming by.

Yours til my next swim, Rock

What My Dogs Taught Me

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Growing up, my home was somewhat located in the country. I did not have many friends, so my pets were mostly my friends. I can distinctly remember each one of my dogs. It is very easy to bond with an animal because they love you no matter what. I always had that nurturing sense of responsibility. My pets relied on me & I wanted to make sure & take care of them. I loved spending time with my dogs. They followed me everywhere, were my playmates, great listeners, & had the internal intuition to stay beside me when I was sick.

 

As I have said many times, I did not have the ideal childhood (I’m @ peace with it & I’m very grateful for my childhood). My father could be a bit cuckoo (sorry dad, I’m just writing a post here & everything’s good) back in the day when he would have one of his many alcoholic fits. Sadly, sometimes the pets would become the victims of abuse as well. As a child, I remember many episodes where I felt helpless. I was not able to protect myself, much less my animals. I will not go into descriptions about this one incident or the many others that followed. However, fast forward 20 + years & those events would make for life altering experiences with my relationship involving animals. The operative word is “Were.”

 

I had no idea the impact those experiences had on me. For most of my married life, the gent & I agreed on, “No Pets…Ever!” I never thought much more about it, until my second son was in middle school. He started to mention to the gent & I that he wanted a dog. He asked if we would get him a dog if he made honor roll. Okay, forgive me for this, but have you ever committed to something, because honestly you did not think it would actually come to fruition? Yep, that’s me… Negative Nancy. At least I ADMIT IT!

 

Sawyer ended up making honor roll & I am the kind of girl that if I say I am going to do something, for the most part, I do it.

 

We adopted a puppy & wanting to make sure it had the BEST life, I started watching National Geographic’s show called, “The Dog Whisperer” with Cesar Millan. I watched every show that aired, & read (several times, actually) every one of his books. I read other books too, but I especially related to Cesar. Not everyone is a fan of Cesar’s philosophies, but I think much along the same lines as he does when it relates to animals. There is a plethora of knowledge in them & highly recommend you read them.

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In Cesar’s first book, he has a few chapters about the psychological aspects of how we treat, & relate to our pets. I read the chapter several times, because truthfully when I read the chapter, I started to think the guy was one can short of a six-pack.

 

I will try to briefly discuss what he said. He says that the way we treat our dogs & why we actually get dogs/ pets is to fulfill a need in us that we are not getting from somewhere, or someone. We attach our emotions & experiences in life with our pets. In addition, in some strange universal way the animals choose us. We subconsciously seek the dog that we need to ultimately fill the void. We need to heal something inside us. We NEED the balance in our lives that only the animal can bring. Do most people realize this? No! You have to listen & become intuitive.

 

Cesar goes on to talk about the way the animal kingdom works in general, & uses thought-provoking analogies.

 

I decided to test his philosophy. I also started to analyze my relationship with our new pup.

 

So here is what I realized:

In the beginning of my story, I spoke about my inability as a child to be able to really protect my pets from harm when my dad had an episode. Bingo… Bingo was his name ohhh…(insert ADD moment while I sing this verse)…

 

That is why I never wanted to have any pets throughout my adulthood. I had this sense of deep sadness when I thought about having to care for an animal. I would have panic symptoms from just the thought of it. Like… what if something happened & I could not protect it, or financially care for it. I was never going to do that. Moreover, the cardinal sin would have been to get a pet & have to get rid of/ give it away. That would never happen (another experience with a pet that caused this deep seeded fear). I’m a wackadoo, I know.

 

I also realized deep down why I always wanted a dog, but was afraid. I was @ an age where I knew I was never going to have any more children In life, hence the need to have something to care for/ dote on/ dress up (I was that dog owner that had full-blown wardrobes for the pup with matching accessories/hair bows for each outfit). I wanted a small dog; hence, it would never grow up in my eyes. I wanted a girl dog, hence I never had any sisters in life to bond with & @ the time in my life I needed unconditional love & affection; hence dogs give that to us times a thousand.

 

It makes sense. Do you have a dog/cats/ pets? Try it out. Think about it for a few minutes. You might find I am not a crazy woman after all.

 

I really believe that whether we as humans realize it or not, we do everything in life for a reason. If we really begin to observe the choices & actions we make everyday, we will start to see everything for what it is. On the other hand, what Heavenly Father is trying to teach us? If we open our hearts, & observe why & what choices we are making, we will begin to see the underlining meaning in each decision. We’re here to learn, &  yes, to ANALYZE! I know I have a strong inquisitive mind, & that is not a mistake. We all have a purpose. The question is to ask yourself, are you going to use those blessings & great gifts, or are you going to dismiss them? I am going to use mine.
raquelsig

What I’m Trying To Grasp Or Learning To Let Go Of

 

I have a tendency to over analyze things in my life.

I have been around & around in conversations with my close girlfriend. I cannot figure out what is going on with me. My head starts to spin, & honestly, I get tired of journaling it. My journal can only take so much. I also feel a great desire to receive feedback, in hopes of some wizardly advice. As of yet, no channeling, but that does not stop me from trying.

I used to be such a perfectionist. My house was “spit-spot perfect.” Actually, it was major OCD. This, too, could be an entire list of posts, but I will refrain. I liked being that way though. Not only did I feel in control, but also I loved having my environment clean. It has so much to do with my attitude, & just all around.

I have been fighting it for some time now, oh, I would say about 2 years or so. I will go days sometimes & not make beds, or not load the dishwasher until two in the afternoon. I will let laundry pile up. I did not use to be this way. I would make the smallest load, just so there was not an article of clothing in the hamper. I do not like wrinkled clothing. That was helpful, because it made for less ironing. Their have even points in my life where my children could not have friends over because the house was a little messy. I know, terrible, but I’m just being open. I suppose I will not have to wonder when they get older why they have to attend weekly therapy. It will be because they had a wacka-doo parent. 🙂

When M started to see the change, that is when it became clear to me, that something was definitely wrong. He was so accustomed to every thing in it’s place.

Is it my age, or are those things trivial? On the other hand, is it that I have become extremely lazy? I am learning to let go a little & I am trying not to be so hard on myself. I do not like that I have become this way. I am hoping it is just for a small moment in my life, & not the way I will stay forever.

Is there anything you are trying to grasp, or learning to let go of?

Will You Sift Through These Bird Guts For Me?

 

Try threading a kneedle when you’re half -blind. This is the proportionate level of frustration that I’m having with my son, S.

I should say this upfront: I’m going to be as sarcastic as a female Dennis Miller, so this will have a colon-load of dysphemisms.

I’m just forewarning you. Sarcasm is my cushion for the blows that no doubt come from parenting especially, with teenagers. Parenting is about as easy as freaking Skee-Ball.

Some kids come with a touched by an angel kind of spirit and, some come as if they’re deranged rabies virus infected raccoons. Was that too harsh? Shut up.

It’s sometimes difficult when I try to talk to my stubborn-brained 17-year-old son. Since the 9th grade he’s wanted his ears pierced. eeekkk…I’ve told him NO incessantely & even withdrawn priviledges because, he went ahead & self-mutilated his earlobes. I’ve given him endless dumpster-loads of reasons why I will not allow him to wear them. I’ve considered  shattering my skull but, I like myself too much. Quoting bible verses like Elijah doesn’t work either. Tried that. He looks @ me like I’m in a hypnotic swirl that’s growing a tail.

I go through the crazy tangle of frustration & anger with him. Sometimes, I’d like to beat him about the head & neck until he sees the twinkling stars that appear on a classic cartoon. He’s as incessant as a 3-year-old @ the Publix checkout lane that spots a lollipop on a spinning stick.

I know I’m the crack the bull-whip stinging against your tender pink bum kind of parent so, I am now going to allow you to infuse me with your pearls of wisdom. I think ya’ll may have the DNA parenting advice that hides on the bedsheets of every experience. Gimme gimme some. I’ll then take them into my mouth, swirl them around, then choose whether to spit or swallow.

Getting advice from other parents is how we become better parents. Cue the calliope music.

So let’s get to the heart of the animal. I’m in elbow-deep. I keep clubbing my knee-cap so, I think I may be getting in the way.

Much love, Rac

 

 

 

Feeling Almost Unrepairable

 

Have you ever seen a flower garden in full bloom? There are no two flowers alike. Would you be more likely to pluck a flower & enjoy the fragrance & beauty, or would you ignore the beauty & criticize the petals?

I must be honest & say that I have been guilty of doing this with people in my life. It’s real easy for me to find so much fault in others & how they are not living up to the expectations I have placed on them. I have a tendency to take things personal, & not see the beauty in them, rather see all the mistakes they make.

Little did I recognize that I let my Father in Heaven down on a continual basis, & dismiss the fact that I haven’t gotten control over my own imperfections. Heavenly Father hasn’t given up on me. How readily I’m am @ the drop of a hat to  give up on someone because I don’t want to be hurt.

I know when someone hurts me, it really isn’t about me, it’s about the other person. I can say that & it sounds cliche’. It’s  something that my therapist would say. However, when you’re the one being hurt, it has an immense amount of agony on the heart. When we are threatened in some way, it’s in our DNA to protect ourselves from pain. We are instinctively made that way.

Have you ever been so hurt that you feel broken & your heart literally hurts with such a deep deep pain that in that moment you think you may not be able to endure?

I have felt this way, & I have realized that through this experience I can no longer do this alone. I need help, & the only help that will deliver me is my Father in Heaven. I know there’s no other way.

My pride & ego has been my enemy. Pride & ego are not my friends. I didn’t want to admit that I am as vulnerable, & as fragile as one of those flowers in the flower garden. I thought I was a stronger woman. I now know I am not as strong as I thought I was. Trials really do show us what we’re made of.

I have begun praying daily with specific requests that only a God in heaven can fulfill. I have now handed over this trial, it is no longer in my hands. I have relinquished this mental anguish, & now I must trust my life in Gods hands.

May we try to see those around us as a beautiful flower, just as our Father in Heaven sees ALL of his children. I will be my brothers keeper.

Much love my friends…