Always Begin With Your Truth {A Mermaid Finds Her Voice}

I have hesitated in writing this post for over six months. My reason for this was a little embarrassment. The other reason I have decided to now write it is pure, authentic transparency. And since transparency seems to be my middle name lately, here we go.

I'll paint myself out of the embarrassment and into a place of peace. You just watch. {smile}

A place of bringing this post-full-circle, to reach out from this computer screen and let you each try to visualize with me a world I love living in.

Try as I might, I can't help but always see things the way an artist does. My whole life has been this way. I see the oil-stained heart in the pavement on my morning jog. I see the broken branch from a hawk as a sign that God heard me talking. Or the batch of bunnies on the hill in front of Marshall's department store as a sign from the morning of, when I asked God to show me I was on the right path with my art and authorship. I also see the beauty in the experience of being served up a big plate of truth from the universe as a way to further my expansion of self-worth and self-love. 

I see the beauty in everything, for everyone and every single experience. I am so appreciative of this delightful quality. It has served me well. I should like to pass it on to you.

I always preface it'll probably take me a right 2000 words to bring this post home, but I want my posts to really cause some deep thinking for you. I'm here for the pretty pictures, and I'm also here for the pleasure of us to fully comprehend that we can all create a life we truly love if we can see things always as a positive.

About six months ago, I had this gal that I was speaking with over tea, and I considered her somewhat of a friend. She had found one of my youtube videos and reached out to me.

We got to the point of talking on a pretty regular basis. One particular day I was telling her in detail of how I was feeling a little pressure from the gardener that I might need to go out and get a "REAL" job. So I thought of a brilliant idea. (I mean really petty thought, but who's judging... it's okay... really.)

I said to my friend jokingly, "I should see how much he really wants me to go out and get a job by going to Hooters. Then I bet he'll change his tune." Now kids, learn from me here... Do not do what I did. It was utterly ridiculous and a complete waste of time.

Okay so, my friend said laughingly, "hahaha... you should totally go there and pretend to get a job and see how much your husband wants you to work then.  He'll get so irritated and jealous that he'll tell you no way!"

I dolled myself up cute, drove to Hooters and got an interview with the manager, John. I was to call John back the following morning, and he would talk with the other manager and put me on a shift. "Wait! What! Hey now... this was supposed to be a joke. I was just trying to get some attention from my husband. My part of the plan was not to literally land the job on site."

That whole thing ended up backfiring on me, but it also taught me some precious lessons that I still needed to learn about myself and a few that I want to share with you. The gardener was all for me working at Hooters. I was quite upset about that, or so I thought that was the reason for my upset. I was actually upset with myself. I had once again betrayed myself for another person. Isn't that really why we get upset and blame other people. It really has nothing to do with them. It has to do with us. It has to do with our personal betrayal of self, and that will always feel excruciatingly painful. So what we tend to do by default is to look for the first person to blame for our negative feelings. That's a hard pill for so many people to swallow. I had no one to blame, even though I wanted to blame 'said friend' it wasn't her fault, and it wasn't the gardener's fault I actually got the job nor was it his fault that I wasn't speaking my truth about working at an outside job. This was all on me. It was time for me to take accountability.

It was once again about Raquel. Why? Because I wasn't listening to my inner voice. I wasn't sharing with my husband my true feelings. I wasn't voicing my authentic truth. I don't think I'm alone in this. How many of us do this? I still needed some fine-tuning with regards to self-worth, this became very apparent.

After my husband came home from work, I sat down with him and voiced my truth. I said, " I am not going to work outside the home. I am going to buckle down and make my side hustle an all-day job. Becoming an author/painter/ blogger will be my full-time position. I'm giving myself until the end of this year." Now, why couldn't I have just said that to him in the beginning?

Why do we listen to someone else instead of our own inner being; our gut? And why did I seek out attention and try to make my point of not wanting to work outside the home by wasting an entire day of trivial fodder at Hooters instead of going straight to the gardener and voice what I felt? I knew deep down we would come to a resolution.

That big ol' scary word FEAR was the reason I didn't say anything. This is where I was able to use this experience to my benefit.

I have thought back to that gal that I thought was my friend, and now I know why she appeared in my life for that moment in time. She was there to teach me things. I learned to never, ever listen to another person with regards to what's best for my life, not even on occasion. I am so sure of this now, and I will never ask for the opinion of someone when it comes to my life and affairs. Now some may think that's not wise, but I want to tell you all the reasons for this being the smartest thing you'll ever read.

We are too often convinced, conjured and manipulated into believing something someone else says is best for our lives, and we long-abandon ourselves in the process. I can't tell you how many times when family, friends, relatives, bishops, pastors, social media, all told me what they thought I needed to do. I needed to go to therapy. I needed to get some outside help. I needed counselling, I needed to go to marriage counselling. I needed medication. I needed to listen to them because they loved and cared for me. If I were to listen to the advice of another and what's best for my life, I would have felt like that was just another compromise. I would've compromised my truth. That was the reason I was so unhappy for so long in the first place. I was never doing that again. Here's what happens when we don't listen to people tell us what we need to do. They get mad and degenerate and seemingly dismissive of us. But let me tell you what also happens if you were to listen to the person. You end up resenting the hand that fed you, and you will eventually bite that hand. Now if you've ever been through this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. No need for me to explain anymore.

I do not believe in compromise at all. This is shocking to many when I reveal my opinion about a settlement. Let me explain what compromise does to a person over time. Over time to compromise your inner truth, as you and I know it, causes a deep sense of resentment towards others.

Ultimately in every relationship, there is a rescuer and a taker if you hooked up with your significant other out of alignment, which happens more frequently than you realize. When this occurs, what eventually happens in a rescuer/taker relationship the one will always outweigh the other over time. (I want to preface this only happens when you meet up and both of you arent whole by yourself)

Basically, what I heard and thank goodness never listened to was, "Raquel, you don't know what's right for your life. We know better than you. You are wrong, and we are right."

Now that doesn't mean that's what any of them said, but the clear indicator for me that what I felt inside my heart, I have learned to listen. I rarely second-guess myself anymore.

I want to inspire women to believe and know that they can make the right decisions for their own lives. We as women have especially been conditioned to distrust ourselves and choices, to discount our true feelings, to blame the feelings and emotions on some 'THING"... "Oh she's having a breakdown, shes menstrual, she's a bitch, she's lost her mind, and my favourite, she's crazy."

These implications are rampant in society today. I want to inspire women to take responsibility for their lives and to really know deep within that they can trust themselves. The decisions that women make for themselves is and will always be the perfect, most correct decision for their particular life.

Have you ever comprised your inner truth? What'd you do to ultimately make it right for yourself?

Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquel