Hey there!
At one point in my life, I would eat my feelings. Meaning I would write them down in my journal to get them out, but then never actually blog about them, but I'm trying to let you know (who my cat is.) No, but seriously if I'm being honest, many folks eat their feelings, but I've always written about them. (Shoutout to Forever Amber for that sentence). That's a beautiful way of saying how I've always felt, too, with my writing. By the way, if you love redheads, sarcasm and the Scottish, you'll love Amber's blog.
Okay, where was I?
Yeah, okay.
Ask my mum, and she'll tell you, since living with her and my dad, when some debacle happens, she will immediately say, "I bet you're gonna write about this on your blog, aren't you?" To which I reply, "of course, mum." Writers write, and everything is material.
Well, today was not a planned post. As a matter of fact, I was going to try and make up for the time I lost yesterday (on a few various bumps in the road) and spend today painting lovely illustrations. I won't muddy the waters (especially since it's the Christmas holiday), and I refuse to turn this blog into a fandangled mess. However, what I will do, though, is share something I am yet learning about myself at a more profound level. The wonderful word is called friendship. Can I share a bit of an unguarded piece with you about me? I've not always been good at the 'friendship' thing. It's not ever been intentional, but when you go through years of quickly making friends, but then they go sour, there's going to come a time when you say, "hmmm... there seems to be a bit of a common denominator taking place here, and well, look at that, Raquel, you're the common denominator! You dork!" I know, I know you told me so. We all learn at our own pace. Love ya, mean it.
Yeah, so Friendship, that word used to baffle me no end. I could never grasp how some folks would remain actual friends for life, seriously though; I'd be like, how does one stay "girlfriends" for all of eternity. What is wrong with these kooks? Heh...
As I'm learning more about myself every day, I realise that being a close friend is a bit of a new learning curve. Not in the way of "I don't know how to be a friend", but more like navigating the waters of learning how to actually be a friend long-term while also remaining vulnerable. I know I am changing on a vast level because just recently, something came up with a dear friend of mine, and I actually didn't respond how I would've in the past. Instead, I conceded in a whole new way. Well done you, Raquel. (Those beliefs I'm sleeping with are actually working!) Woot woot!
I've written a lot here on the olde blog about women and wanting friendship, and in the past, I would do what I think many folks do and write folks off. I know now where this trauma of mine stems. Are you ready? I would make up my mind (this is all in the past now....mind you) that women were out to hurt me deeply, so I would subconsciously cut them out before they had a chance to hurt me first. I know it sounds barbaric, but this is me telling you the truth about myself. The way to help others and myself along the course is to analyse my actions deeply. I am happy to learn right in front of the world. Maybe someone else can relate to my story, and I'll get another friend along the way. That's sound like a great trade.
Anyway, I learned that I would be quick to back up my subconscious belief to attract the kind of women that would end up ghosting or stonewalling me. I would then go about my way and chalk it up to another person that confirmed abandoning me as a friend. The heart of this belief was that I felt unworthy of having close friends and that when I did, they would always like me at first and then abandon/reject me eventually. I was afraid to be hurt and rejected. Yes, there it is. My deep-rooted fear of being hurt and not chosen. How many folks also experience similar things? It could be in romantic relationships and not friendship, but I think it may be a common thing, but many people don't talk about it, though. Because again, it requires vulnerability, which can be challenging for some people. Exhibit A! So what happens? I would always get what I thought. It's a universal law, physics, my dear friends... Newton's law.
Can you believe it took me 50 years to figure that all out! Thank Gawd I did, though, because now I'm going to tell you how much I love having friendships and knowing that my mindset has shifted and what happiness I've found in friendship.
I made a dear friend on Instagram (she knows who she is), and I caught myself after she mentioned to me something I did. I could see that old belief could have bubbled up, but when I took a look at what my friend said to me, those old emotions that would have usually been there was no more. No conjuring surfaced. I thought to myself, omg, I think I've rehabilitated. So thank you, T, for showing me what true real friendship is and having kit gloves with me as I go through this experience with you. What a wonderful thing, who would've known friendship could be this beautiful! I love you immensely, T and thank you again for showing me, through example, how to be a friend.
Now, as granny from Downton Abbey would say, "are we going to have tea or not!" Who loves granny as much as I do? She's a hoot and a half, I'll tell ya.
Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx
Thank you, sweetie... I appreciate your support.
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