I hope you are all having a dandy of a time preparing for the hustle and bustle of the season—what a happy time to be alive. However, just a little time ago, it was very much a struggle, having lost my dear son a mere three months leading up to the holidays. Believe me, I know first-hand holiday or not, heck, any time can be challenging to get through when there's a loss. Upon moving in with my folks, It was a typical day, and I was washing dishes when the thought came over me. I would never get to wash a dirty plate of my little boy's ever again. What I wouldn't give for some dirty ole' dishes to clean, but no. I fell to the floor in overwhelming grief, and Jeffrey had to pick me up off of the floor and take me to bed to regain my footing. Thank goodness for his broad shoulders and calming, restorative nature. Basically, my darling friends, I'm attempting to say that grief is complicated. Still, I'm here to be your friend and to help give you some ideas to perhaps bring some small comfort to you.
We're in this together, and I don't want to see you sad and in perpetual mourning. So I thought, let me share some things that I found somewhat comforting to me that brought a bit of relief through Sawyer's death. It could simply be an average Monday, and I would break down into a puddle of tears. I know this ole' forest of fools (world) has been quite unpredictable and very difficult for many. Still, we must continue to press forward with courage. I also am an extreme optimist, and I shall never leave that trait by the wayside. If I hadn't made the concerted effort to pull myself up, I would've remained living in the land of the dead. I had to return to the land of the living, or I'd be no good to anyone. To stay steadfast and make the most of difficult situations is what builds us into strong individuals, and that means something. Now I'm not speaking merely as believing that we can't ever unload because there's not a cats chance in hell without claws that we all won't at some point feel the hardship of the death of our loved one that has passed. We all will have moments where life gives us a beating, but the important thing is to keep one's spirit. We can be down but not remain down for long.
The gathering of family, friends and relations at holiday has the potential to drudge up our emotions and pain. Especially if the death is relatively recent (not to take away the significance of deaths that happened further on). It does get easier as time passes, though (it has for me because I made up my mind it would.) I made a list, and I hope it helps you. Please pass it along if you know of anyone that also would benefit.
My Helpful Tips And Ideas For Coping With Grief At The Holidays
Acknowledge and allow one's feelings of not being okay.
Be gentle with yourself. Please do not concern yourself about others and what they think. Do not hold emotions in to try and remain proper or feel that you'll ruin the mood. If I were having a moment, I would excuse myself by taking a walk or escaping somewhere privately and crying for a duration. I don't care what anyone thought of me. I have to be honest; I used the F word—a lot, and I didn't care one whit if another liked it or not. I was in pain, and I needed those emotions to exit. If we keep our feelings bottled up, they store within our bodies like poison. Remember, no one person grieves alike.
Spend the holiday the way you'd like to spend it.
The way others want the holiday to be spent may be different than what you are up to, and those around you must accept that. It's far worse to try and remain the same for fear of hiding feelings rather than cancel a gathering. You may not feel up to any celebration, and others should honour those feelings, as should you.
Light a candle in their honour, create a bouquet of flowers and/or include their favourite dish into the meal.
I have chosen to do all three of these as it makes me really happy, and it's as if I can feel Sawyer's presence in doing so. Sawyer's favourite is Rhodes yeast rolls.
Create a new tradition in their memory.
I've bought a rose bush each year and planted it in the garden. I also cut a red rose (his favourite flower) and placed it in a vase on the dinner table as a bit of a reminder of him. I also made up several bouquets of roses with rosemary and tied them with red silk bows and placed one next to his pear tree in the garden. His remains are at the root of the pear tree (above see the pear tree bloom). Jeffrey's Shawn's parents and little brother are all deceased, so we take the other little bouquets to the graveside.
If you'd read my blog for any length of time, you'd know that there was but a few things I was able to retrieve of Sawyer's, some of which was his clothing. I made the crazy quilt pillow, and I'm still in the process of making myself a crazy quilt with his remaining clothing items. I keep a bottle of his cologne, and I'll sometimes spray the room with it.
Remember, I've told you that just because a person leaves this world and has transitioned does not mean they are gone. Their spirits never disappear. They will go to the active humans on earth (in alignment) that make the initiative to connect, and they always remain here in spirit. It's not the end if you don't want it to be. They hear us, but one must believe that they can commune with us for them to commune back. One must have faith. If you're a religious person and speak to a "god, " there's no difference in how one would talk to a deceased loved one. It's precisely the same. The issue most times is because humans tend to finalise the human experience; they believe the loss is eternal and final. I speak (telepathically) to Sawyer daily, many times, and all through the day, in fact.
Remember that those who have passed are still actively interested in what we're doing here on planet earth.
If you need to sulk for a time, do that too, but give yourself a time limit. I would say to myself, I'm going to feel dreadful and cry and mope for an hour, and then I'm going to dry my face and do something to distract myself. Many folks find that staying very busy is beneficial. My most significant difficulty was going through Sawyers clothing. The smell of him tore me to shreds. It was very tough, but I cried through the emotion. One thing about losing a child or (the loss of anyone) is letting out the feelings and pain. That stores in the body and reaps terribly on the soul if you don't.
For example, have you ever noticed someone who lost someone and didn't process and allow themselves to grieve? They stagnate and never move through the trauma? I was angry, mean, pissed off, sad, felt sorry for myself, you name it, but I permitted myself, and I didn't allow anyone to tell me what to do nor how to grieve. We all do it differently, and no one is wrong in how they do it. Also, there's no time limit. But what I will tell you is that if you are gentle with yourself, it will happen much quicker. One must keep going and know it's never final. Whereas Sawyer and I were two peas in a pod and very close (he was a mamas boy), I must confess I feel closer to him now, although he's transitioned. Why? Because now he's always available.
Another thing I've learned is not to feel guilt. Most crying at funerals are from guilt, not grief. Please don't do that to yourself; it's non-productive and only causes you strife. It's enough that you already have to wield through such difficulties, so try not to inflict more pain. You'll not heal properly, and I promise you those on the other side of the veil have not an ounce of that sort of physical emotion or attachment. Honestly, they don't even hold anger or hatred (such as Sawyer towards his murderers), and I know that's difficult for most humans to wrap their heads around. I think I've told you (and if not, remind me in the comments) I had a near-death experience. I was able to see what it was like on the other side, and I have a vivid knowledge of the afterlife. I could write a post if you'd like more detail into what actually occurs and how the premortal and post-mortal existence operates.
Well, I'm a bit knackered writing this post; I think grief (and the speaking of it) zaps the energy. So I'm going now, but I'll write again hereafter. I love you, and hang in there, dear friends.
Most affably yours til my next swim, Raquelxxx
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