Connecting The Dots

"One cannot connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down and has made all the difference in my life." ~Steve Jobs

I reviewed my royalty sales records at the weekend and realised I had worked as an official author and illustrator for six years.

Today, I've decided to focus on my books and my blog writing with intense clarity. I have been doing well in remaining consistent, but I realise my passion and consistency have not been up to par, and I should hone my craft more than ever. I've spent so many years wanting to have a beautiful home, my "Cottage of Belonging," to feel like I can write and do my best work, not realising I AM doing my best work now. I am very proud of myself regardless of what others would ever say. I am a New York Times best-selling author because I decided that several years ago. Let them call us delusional, for it's the delusional ones who change the world. Hell or high water, my spirit is determined. I have beat the odds; no more looking to the future of "then I'll be happy." I am resetting myself to remain firmly focused and aligned. My greatest passion and most profound love is my writing. It is how I make sense of the world. 

Most importantly, i must remain focused on my writing at all costs. Until a few days ago, the excuse was that because I am a Pisces constantly all over the place, that was acceptable, and I couldn't change it, but that is a silly ol' belief. I am changing that belief as it serves me not an ounce of value. Furthermore, many successful folks are Pisces. That's not to say it has ever been a bad thing. Still, after several days of hypnosis, I think my subconscious mind is guiding me to my most authentic self. At the heart of who I am, yes, an artist and many other things, but a writer is who I am at my core. My writing has never betrayed me. Letters and words have literally saved my life. Quite honestly, when Sawyer died, the first thing I did was write a little storybook to heal my heart. That book then took four years to release into the world because as beautiful as it was to write, I couldn't bring myself to illustrate it. To illustrate, I had to reread my manuscript, and the words hurt me deeply. The little scenarios in the book were actual events that occurred in life. I had to take a tragedy and turn it into a triumph of never-ending happiness. Therefore, the manuscript went into a cupboard for years until I could come to terms with the death. In addition, the book represented my child, so in essence, i felt as long as i held onto that book, i was keeping my boy with me, and no one could take him from me, but once I let go, I was in my heart letting him go. Dear friend, I could not do it straight away. It tore my heart out, so I sat with those feelings and allowed myself permission to feel the pain. I had to allow myself to grow, walk through all the steps, and know it was all okay.

My mum (well-intentioned and wanting to help) said to me, "You just need to understand that he's in a better place and that I needed to stop using the "F" word so much." Don't ever tell a mother that. That was the day I let Hell's fury on her because no one has the right to say to a mother how to heal the death of their child. I know my mum meant well, so mum, if you’re reading this, you know i adore you.

If I want to angrily scream at the top of my lungs or use profanities, then that is what a mother gets to do. Do not ever think one must be appropriate. If I am not hurting anyone, I can grieve how I choose, and I'll not stand for any of that nonsense on stilts from folks who haven't a clue of such pain. 

If I have to write for decades undiscovered, that is what I'll do; although, I do not believe that will happen. I have a mission and a life purpose. My work is bigger than me, and I am built for this. 

Do you know a woman said to me in an email once when I released Sawyer's book "The Tale of Sawyer Lamb" last year on his birthday, and I quote, "Who cares you wrote a stupid children's book? Anyone can write a dumb children's book? It doesn't take much to string a sentence or two together. You're not special or smart."

So when anyone wonders about the things done to me by others and Sawyer's father specifically (because he should've been a person there for me as i am the mother of his children) when my boy passed, you will understand after reading my book, "The Little Mermaid's Transformational Tale why i struggled so deeply." I have consistently beat the odds. After spending decades, my sanity tested, endeavouring to drive me to madness, I almost took my own life. No, and that wasn't even enough; I then endured heinous things behind the scenes to make me appear crazy to those who knew me. This kind of tactic from a narcissist is what I am also writing in my book. This kind of abuse must be brought to the open, because perhaps if i had known what was happening it wouldn't have taken me almost three decades to leave a marriage. The viper-tongued person never bargained for my resilience, nor that I would expose him, which is me using my voice for the many women who can't or, should I say, feel they can't. At least not right now, but i believe, given the permission, more women will come forward. 

 I love my work and myself; and im not going to feel bad in saying that. The only way to do great work is to love what I do. I will write for myself and for you. 

Have a happy day, my friends.

Most affably yours til my next swim, Razz